you strum the strings of my imagination.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

It can irrefutably be deemed asinine or even farcical that I am actually shedding tears as I continue reading this $5 book I bought 5 days ago. Highly embarrassing, and I have no idea why I am sharing it with anyone who chances upon this blog.

It's not a sad love story nor a death so morbid and tears-compelling that one would actually be acknowledged to be humanly sentimental with just the right touches of emotions. It's more inclined towards a narrated autobiography with cautionary tales, amusing anecdotes and hard-won lessons, all taken from his life and maybe mixed with other folks' experiences. Basically, about
The Kind Of Love You Never Recover From -- The One That Got Away.

Yes I know I should be studying with As inching ever so insidiously closer but there are just some questions in my life that I have to grapple with and discover the answers by any means possible. What's better than having someone(thing) that you can almost completely relate to? And sharing every ounce of sentiment and thought that you are incapicitated to articulate. Not a verbatim of the secrets that lie in my actual depths, but close enough.

All in the hope of a continuation of a love that was interrupted.

9:25 PM

I can't remember the last time that we kissed goodbye
All our 'I love you's were just not enough to survive
Something your eyes never told me
But it's only now too plain to see,
Brilliant disguise when you hold me
And I'm free

I've been thinking and here's what I've come to conclude
Sometimes the distance is more than two people can use
But how could I have known girl
It was time and not space you would need
Darling tonight I could hold you and you would know
But would you believe

There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
There's a place in your heart where I used to be
Was I wrong to assume that you were waiting for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me

Cards and phone calls and photograph pictures of you
Constant reminder of all the things you get used to
Is there a chance in Hell or Heaven
That there's still something here to build on
Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall
But after all

There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
And a song in the words that you spoke to me
Was I wrong to believe in your melody
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me

Should I keep on waiting or does love keep on fading away
Fading away

It's been a while since I've seen you so how have you been
Did you get my letter I wrote you that I did not send
I tried to call your old number
But the voice that I heard on the phone
I recognized but she told me the number was wrong

There's a light in my eyes it's too bright to see
And a pain in my heart where you used to be
Guess I was wrong to assume that you were waiting here for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me

1:25 AM

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The whole world is ostensibly against me lately.

What the fuck have I been doing wrong?
Turning 18?
Don't fucking judge me, don't fucking judge my flaws.
Your assertion that your flaws aren't as much as a slimebucket or as abhorrent and repugnant is fucking unsubstantial.
It's still a fucking flaw.
Unless you're an immaculate creation,
Fuck off.

Channeling your blood of a bitch into your own "private" blog without a heck in the world whoever reads it, or however should it be deemed offensive to the perspective eye, is no fucking different from my other alternatives of an avenue.

Don't fucking judge me.

11:44 AM

Certain truths have become unassailably self-evident:
If I am ever going to have a sporting chance of finding a newer, truer, or equally soulful mate, I have to seek, find, and confront the genesis of my all-too-human condition. No not God, Allah, Jehovah, or any Higher Power. This mystery would unravel on terra firma and most likely on a patch of suburban ground inhabited by her. The long departed sweetheart who unwittingly holds a key piece to the "commitment" puzzle.

I've obediently abide the same lame consolation clauses from well-meaning friends and relations. Such as:
- There are plenty of fish in the sea
- There's more than one way to skin a cat
- You must get right back on the horse

Each anthropomorphic cliche contains the same nugget of conventional wisdom.
There is not one, "the one".
Philosophically ostensible, but what if they're wrong?
What if you're allotted only one true love a life time?
What if, by definition, a soul mate is an irrevoccable and absolute post?
And what if you met and left her--or she left you--a long, long time ago?

Pathetic or Romantic? You make the call.
It is both a pathetic and a romantic sight watching someone search for his/her soul mate, refusing to settle for anything--or anyone--less than his/her heart's desire, rejecting any love that is not truly, madly, deeply.

How would she--the up-till-now purported one truest love--respond to my intrusion into her life..with dismissive laughter, tears, annoyance, and/or a restraining order?

I am not precisely sure how encountering her after all this time will bring me closer to closure, but I've tried everything else. And none of it--none of them--has brought me to the depths of affection and intimacy I had for this one young girl way back then.

Pathetic or Romantic? You make the call.

12:25 AM

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

To love
To give your heart to someone else
It binds you down
A part of you is now entwined to the other whom you love
It affects you
Whatever the person does or say
Because it means something to you
It's of importance to you
You're not free
Just inadvertently enmeshed in the entrapment of it.

You can call me an empathic person who tends to get overly involved in the lives of everyone the I know and like.

1:13 AM

The more you invest your heart into the hands of the people you love, the larger the magnitude of disappointment that assails you. And then you'll start to think, why the fuck do you care so much after the ashen kaleidoscopic array of emotions that you've undergone with them lying in the pith of it all?

(Pathetic as you probably would deem it be)
Because you love them.

No, not the superficial kind of love that we blatantly declare to any other homosapien we're acquainted with.
But the kind which you've inadvertently allowed the roots of it to grow in the inscrutable depths of our souls.
Aching disappointment could instigate hatred to cross over the fine line that distincts it from love, but it is only surface-deep. The unfathomable depths of where love grew from the beginning could never be reached. That's the beauty of love.

Albeit relationships might have soured through the course of time, despite the multitudinal occurences that have altered our relations with each other and the 180 degrees turn in circumstances,
You cringe at the heartwrench.
Despite how much you wish you wouldn't.
It's an uncontrollable fact.
You'll always love them.

I will always love them.

12:17 AM

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Resonating through the walls in my life
Songs that sing a dream of you
Fraying through the security that binds my mind
The confinement of my lucidity
Metamorphosed effeteness of the soul
Let me hear your voice of heavenly
Maladroit is time,
Obliterating you as my quintessence
Your silhouette, entrancing still, it overshadows
In my sleep your voice occasionally makes a din
Waiting till you come and overflow
The banks of this hovering soul

Love, don't stay too far.
Come close, I miss you.

2:00 PM

A walk on 10 brilliante lane

I believe these two souls are miscible
That maybe I'm not that dense
That the story those glittering prophets tell is genuine
Behind that spectacle lense
With two dark umbrellas over their heads
And draped in long black cloaks custom made
Their ever shining enthusiasm never fades
nestled neatly in between them
Are tiny doors with which air comes and goes
Sometimes they get a bit blocked
When obstructed by your woes
Watching those crimson twins
As they fold uniformly into place
Revealing a line-up of little white soldiers
Each soon to be clad with brace
Your strands drift at the slightest breeze
Shrouded in aromatic delight
Secured behind a pair of smooth curves
Selectively picking out the sounds of the night
At the sides bouncy cushions
A little chubby I suppose
After a wash of sweat
They glow radiant with a tint of rose
Not forgeting those little dots
Like little children prancing about a flower field
This lane's such a picturesque view
You can't resist its tempting yield
So why not talk a walk
And be lost in this fatal attraction

-- Credited to an Ah Beng with calibre.

Interesting.

1:34 PM

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Language is absent in the presence of love.
Especially when it comes to you.

Language sets the boundaries, the generalisation of the definition, the mutual acknowledgement of that emotion.
I may not experience the identical rush of blood when others are in love whenever I realise that I love you.
I may not feel the same kind of bliss that others do when they think about their loved ones whenever I think of you.
I may not hold the same sensation that surges through others' bodies when they declare their love whenever I tell you that I love you.

But whatever you make me feel, the different surges that permeates through my soul each time I think of you, talk to you, miss you, and know that in that generalisation of the word 'Love', I love you,

Just for the acknowledgement of the extent that I truly do,
I love you.

10:18 PM

Would you rather get brutalised and strive to achieve excellence
or settle for the buffer zone of mediocrity?

Would you rather be with someone you love so much
or someone who loves you more than you love them?

Once you have, you might lose.
So is it better not to have at all?

It's true enough that the manifestation of an equilibrium in love is no more than a deception weaved out in a sanguine disposition. It's so contradicting, and perhaps a considered blasphemy, for me to possess the cognition that God exists only because humans lack the fundamental and the adequacy of confidence in themselves in achieving whatever they want or desire, and also because we, as humans, require a social set of rules, something to tell us, teach us, what the hell is right or wrong, good or evil, heaven or hell. (No offence) That said, this bouyancy is what will allow us to propel ourselves forward in life, because we believe that there's always a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that appears after every storm. No difference when placed in the light of Love. Believing that our love will be requited as much as we have given, it propels us to be in search for this sanguine euphoria that it brings.

At the end of the day, are we all just a big fat joke living a lie we can never possess the knowledge of its bona fide affirmation? Aren't we all, still, seeking answers about our existence, about God, about everything else that relates to us? We don't know. We're ignorant fools. To search for knowledge is to be hurt by its truth. To possess the truth, is to possess the power to manipulate it. So tell me, what is the truth? what is knowledge?

Too many dysfunctional thoughts. Too many.
Bona fide thoughts can't be processed clearly.
Gibberish, deem it as you may.

9:38 PM

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Agony lives in my soul
Passion haunts my mind
Peace and chaos fight in my heart
In my dreams there is always daylight
Back was the day
Constant the flow of my tears
Black is the day
My yearning is invincible

Beauty surrounded me
Illusion was beauty made true
Beauty surrounds me
The dream is always there

I can hear the thunder of silence
I feel the cold in the middle of the flame
I see shadows of the invisible
I breathe where there is no air
I eat the bread that ran out yesterday
I am dumb but I cry thy name
I regret the joy I have
I suffer from the happiness I wish for
I am a prisoner behind bars of freedom
I now sense the things that have never happened

Beauty surrounded me
Illusion was beauty made true
Beauty surrounds me
The hope remains forever.

3:16 PM

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

To all that made my birthday so fanfuckingtastic,

Emily, Sem, Merser, Xinying, Henry, Tricia
And of course, my family.

I LOVE YOU!! (:

And to the girl who's been making me happy everyday,
I love you too! (: (:

1:02 PM

Thursday, September 14, 2006

My girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish it was you
I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice
Saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words
It makes me weak

And I
Never want to say goodbye
But girl, you make it so hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

10:43 PM

Monday, September 11, 2006

Opened my heart
Profusely, it bled
As if it will never cease
Placed through the gates of hell
Toes upon waters of fire
Asphyxiating, as I loved

Intoxication surged
Inundated, I grappled
With Love's bona fide grandeur
Insignificant I am
Exposed to its eminence
Smothering me, as I live

Mistakes I won't regret
Relentlessly etched
Into the depths of my soul
Lessons of heaven
Meant for my only
My love, the universe.

I endured the whitest of flames
only to love you better.

9:34 PM

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Last night at Jia's farewell party.

Sem (grinning) walks towards me with a bowl of dessert.
Belle: (Opens mouth) Ahhh.
Sem: How is it?
Belle: Mmm. It's alright. I only hate the jelly. Almond.
Sem: Huh?! It's almond?!
Belle: Almond Jelly what. What did you think it was?
Sem: Tofu?

HAHAHAHAHA. (:
Love, Sem. Love.

10:34 PM

Thursday, September 07, 2006

When I look at my life
How the pieces fall into place
It just wouldn't rhyme without you.
When how my path seems to end up before your face
The state of my heart
The place where we are
Is written in the stars.

I wasn't meant to love like this
Not without you.

11:28 PM

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

So go on, love
~~Leave~~ while there's still hope for escape
Gotta take what you can these days
There's so much ahead and so much regret

I know what you wanna say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it, baby, this is who I am
I'm sorry but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me, you build me up but just to watch me break
I know what I should do but I just can't walk away.

1:01 AM

Monday, September 04, 2006

Don't push me 'cause I am close to the edge,
I am trying not to lose my head.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Omg I cannot stop laughing.

She'll so love it. (:

1:23 AM

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Today's one big fat crappy day.

And it only gets worse
when I miss you this much.

7:59 PM

If I could love you,
I would all my life.

12:56 AM

Saturday, September 02, 2006

My dating hp is spoilt. I think its a sign. :/

Meeting up with Merser last night was fantastic.
Every little thing about it.
I really love this girl here, a lot. (:

Got my new specs today. Really appreciate the fact that Mom was willing to get it for me despite the fact that my green one is still perfectly usable. Plus, she was already mentally exhausted due to all her meetings yet she still brought me there.
Mom gave herself away when we went down to her office to collect some stuff. It was so funny. But anyway, Mom bought me my own personal laptop as a surprise for my birthday. Albeit I didn't fancy it and all, I really did appreciate the gesture. I felt so bad that the laptop was not designed and structured to my liking, that I couldn't love what she got for me. I almost cried. Talk about emo.
She's the best, seriously. (don't forget, she has to put up with me)
I just wish I can save Mommy from Daddy.
I really love my mom A LOT.

These 2 ladies I never wanna live without.
And if my birthday just had the both of them in it,
I'd be contented enough. (:

10:17 PM